Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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