I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I don't deserve a penis
You need Xanax blowdarts
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
