Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
and you fell through a lawn chair
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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