birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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