Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
