I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
