my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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