Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
