and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
