If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
