i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
