thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
