I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
