I CAN MOONWALK!
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
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She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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