there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
