You're a womanizer and a bitch.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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