Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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