Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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