I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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