Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
