Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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