Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
