I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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