I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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