Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
