If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
