Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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