there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
