I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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