never play flip cup with pint glasses
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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