On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
