Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
