i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
