I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
pop tarts are not kleenex
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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