I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
