planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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