I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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