the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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