the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
