i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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