My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
