Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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