Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
