he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
