my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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