WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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