i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed