hotel room ftw
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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