Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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