my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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