Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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