I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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