finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
